Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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