Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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