Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
