You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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