I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
