You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
