i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
