I wannas sexs uuuuu
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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