my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
