ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
