Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
