textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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