I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
