Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
