When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We need a shit load of segways right now
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
