He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm getting married
To pizza
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
