I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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