Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
