Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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