i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
