yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
