Sry I called you an 8
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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