Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
