Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
