You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
