i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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