My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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