I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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