Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
