dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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