My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
