soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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