Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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