I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
