im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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