i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
