Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
