my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
where does the pee come out of this thing
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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