apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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