What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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