Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
