If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
