I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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