he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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