my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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