I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
