i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
