1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
