Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
