Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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