If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
