I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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