I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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