I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
