I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
